


What's your porn name?

by leavephryneforme



Category: Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-21 15:38:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12460785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leavephryneforme/pseuds/leavephryneforme
Summary: Modern AU. Super silly and stupid. Thanks to OllyJay and Mr OllyJay, 221A_brina and Bijoux53 for suggested porn names. More names to come, no pun intended. TeaandBanjo and Quiltingmom gave me names for Chapter 3. Yea. Not stopping until everyone has a porn name. I mean all the characters. Not that everyone in the world needs a porn name. That's crazy.





	1. Chapter 1

Phryne was standing over the body when Jack arrived. 

"Good of you to show up, DI Robinson."

"I got the shout ten minutes ago, Miss Fisher. With lights and sirens, I got here as soon as." Why did she push so much, he thought.

"Jack? Her face ... I know her ..."

"From where, Miss Fisher?"

"I don't recall. Give me a moment."

Jack continued to examine the crime scene. The victim was a gorgeous young women. 

"She was an actress, well, porn. But, to be fair, she did well for herself." The landlady said.

"Of course, Jack, I knew I had seen her before."

Jack rolled his eyes and walked away. Why did she have to be so obvious, especially in front of a young female constable?

The constable standing next to Phryne said, "What's your porn name, Miss Fisher?"

"Pardon, Constable?"

"Your porn name is the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on. Mine is Duchess Dominion."

Phryne squealed with laughter. Jack rushed back to her side. "What's funny?"

"Jack, what's the name of your first pet and the name of the street you lived on at the time?"

"What?"

"Your first pet and the name of your street!"

"What?"

"Jack, it's easy. Focus. Your pet and your street. It's your porn name. Mine is Bear La Nue." She continued to laugh hysterically.

Jack looked confused. "La Nue? That means naked doesn't it?"

"Yes, well, on the estate, there wasn't a street address. The trees that had lined the drive were cut down over a hundred years ago because there was something in the soil. They were diseased. The Duke at that time was a Francophile. He spoke more French than English. He called the drive La Nue. ... Sooo, what's your porn name, Jack?"

Jack blushed, "Lucky Longfellow."

Phryne began laughing so hard, she was crying. Jack, turning red, had to laugh too, but stopped himself. "Phryne, it's a murder." 

"Of course, of course, Inspector." She put on a stoic face.

***

In the days that followed, they arrested the murderer. They also uncovered, no pun intended, the porn names of Mac, Dot, Hugh, Mr Butler, Cec and Burt.

***

Shall I share them in the next chapter or can you, friends, suggest names for the characters?


	2. More Porn Names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More super, silly crap.

"Of course, I know. That porn name thing is old." Mac said. "And you can't be Bear La Nue, or Bare Naked. P, It's not funny. Surely, you, YOU, Phryne Fisher, has to have a better porn name than that. What other street address can you claim? What other pets did you have? We can bent the rules for you."

Phryne thought for a while. "Well, what's your porn name, Mac? Spill the beans."

Mac looked truly frightened. "Mac, say it. We're friends."

"Fluffy Bush."

Phryne fell on the floor, laughing hysterically. "No, no. Stop, Mac. That is not true." Mac, also laughing, had to brace herself against the wall. "Phryne, I think I wet my pants." The two friends laughed for so long that their ribs hurt.

*****

"Bert, don't be embarrassed. Everyone in England calls their cat, Pussy. What street did you live on?

"Hill."

Once again, there was hysterical laughter. 

"What about you, Cec?"

"Oh, Miss, we never had enough to eat let alone feed a pet."

That was a lie. Phryne let it go for the time being. "Mr. B, did you have a pet when you were a child?"

"Yes, Miss Fisher."

...


	3. We Should Stop Talking about Porn Names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This must end. Really.

"Aunt P, did you have a pet when you were a child? I mean, a proper pet, not a cow or a goat."

"Of course we had pets. Why do you ask? How odd."

"What were there names?"

"Phryne, what's come over you? Really."

"Just curious, Aunt P. Just trying to get a picture of you as child."

"Well, our Aunt Elizabeth gave us, your mother and me, a spaniel. He was called Peaches." She said with love.

"How old were you then, Aunt P? Where did you live at the time?" 

"We lived on Fairmount. Honestly, Phryne. Why do you ask?"

Mac was biting her lip to avoid laughing. Phryne, stunned, walked out of the room, thinking 'Peaches Fair Mount.' 

*****

"Can we stop doing this? It's not funny."

"Yes, it is, Jack. You're laughing inside. I can see that."

He started to giggle. "Phryne, No. Stop. I'm not laughing at porn names anymore. The porn industry hurts people."

"Jack, no! Most are filmed in California, the San Fernando Valley, the porn capital. It's regulated. Some actors get retirement benefits."

Jack rolled his eyes and walked away. "Miss Fisher, why do you know so much about the porn industry? I find it disturbing."

"Do you? Sorry. Kiss me and I won't talk about porn every again."

"Deal."


	4. Please, stop with the porn names, Miss Fisher.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WE still need porn names for several characters. We can't stop now.

"I thought we were finished with the porn name thing. I thought you respected that it bothers me, Miss Fisher." His voice was a bit harsh.

"Of course, DI Robinson." She was surprised by his tone.

She waited. "But don't you want to know Bert's porn name? And Dot's? And Mr Butler's?" Her smile was from ear to ear. "Am I to believe that you don't want to know?"

He was furious and at the same time wanted to ravish her and at the same time he wanted to laugh. It was funny and she was glorious.


	5. The Final List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack can't take much more of the porn name thing. Miss Fisher makes a final list.

"Hello, Phryne, love. You look so sweet. Why do you look so sweet?"

"I'm not wearing any makeup." She was inches from him, stroking his tie. "You look incredibly sexy. Why do you look so sexy, Jack?"

"I'm wearing extra makeup." He was smirking, slightly.

"Ha."

'You are also very, very distracting, Miss Fisher."

*****

After a few days, Jack was sick of hearing the porn names day and night. Miss Fisher decided to move on and find a different way to tease him. She did, however, make a final list of names.

*** LIST OF PORN NAMES For future reference ***  
Respect to 221A_brina (partial list, LOL):  
Bert - Duke Dickmann (Richmond) or Buster Dickmann  
Cec - Buddy Dorcas (S. Melbourne)  
Dot - Patches Denham (Hawthron) or Patches Bastings (Northcote)  
Compton - Bentley Longstaff (Murrumbeena)  
Fletcher - Flopsy Birdwood (Maribynong)  
Or Mini Willie (LMAO)

Bijoux53:  
Dot - Pussy Hill (OMG)  
Or Patsy Haven

TeaandBanjo:  
Mac - Ginger Fox

Quiltingmom:  
Mr Butler - Shaggy Major (somewhere Mr. Quiltingmom lived)  
Or Davenport Regents (very posh digs, Quiltingmom)  
Or Barney Rueben

djade:  
Concetta - Billie Vermont (Los Angeles)  
Rosie - Duchess Komori (Los Angeles)

Hugh Collins - Huge Column


End file.
